Matthew's MEGA Movies: Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

I was once told by an English teacher in middle school. If the plot of a movie can be summed up in just one sentence then it isn’t a good movie. The movie in question was a Friday The 13th sequel. (we all know how lame they are) This movie is even worse. The plot of the movie is as follows. Four lackeys are pushing drugs for a drug lord. That is it, end of story, there isn’t much to it. I slept in till 7:20 this morning and was subjected in the early morning hours to this mind numbing torture. All I experienced today was 107 minutes of pain and agony. I recognized Jason Statham from previous films. (his character’s name is Bacon? Let’s not even go there.) I knew there were drugs involved. I got that is was based in England or some where they speak in a British tongue with really bad accents. (mixed in with frequent cursing) What I didn’t figure out was a point to it all. I mean really, where is the plot? What is the storyline? Is there any reason for me to continue watching this waste of time and effort? Any good reason? At the end of this movie I didn’t know weather to cry ,vomit, or bludgeon myself slowly for having watched this deplorable film. I believe standing waste deep in leech infested water would have been a better use of my time than watching this movie. I can only assume the writers of this is this screenplay were grown up. It is obvious however they didn’t learn what I did in middle school. If the plot of a movie can be summed up in just one sentence it just isn’t much of a movie. Grade F

No comments:

A note from an editor!

Hi Matthew,

Thank you for the time and effort you put into this piece, especially on a Saturday morning. I can tell you definitely took good notes of everything that was going on during the event!

We still have some work to do before this piece is ready to print. Your piece has a lot of information, but it doesn’t sound like a news article. What was the point of his speech/presentation? Why was he addressing this audience? What is Vanguard? What does the company do – who does it serve? You spend a lot of time narrating (for example, how he was injured), but did not report on the purpose of the event. You can maybe mention his appearance/joking about it in a sentence or two, but do not take several paragraphs to do so. Also, I like how you mentioned where the name “Vanguard” comes from.

There are a lot of spelling errors in this piece – make sure you proof read each sentence carefully.

I know I am getting back to you a little later I hoped, and I’m sorry about that! But if you have time tonight, please go through my suggestions and try to rework your piece. You can send me what you have tonight/tomorrow morning. Please bring a copy of it to the meeting tomorrow and we will discuss it further from there.

Once again, thanks for your hard work and promptness! Remember this is a learning process, and we are all part of the Waltonian team!

Talk to you soon!

Something a little bit Different.

The 70’s What A Great Decade for Movies and Music

Let’s start of in the late 70’s, 1977 for instance. The movie theaters saw such hit movie like Disney’s Pete’s Dragon, Steven Spielberg’s Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and George Lucas’s Star Wars. All three of them were spectacular movies with majestic music accompanying them. For Pete’s Dragon it was Helen Ready’s Candle on the Water that not only won her an Oscar (for best song) but also only served as a lighthouse to her already bright career. Close Encounters and Star Wars were both mega hits for legendary composer John Williams they earned him Oscar nods for both. (He won for Star Wars.)

Oh yea did I mention that Saturday Night Fever also hit theaters in 1977. This soundtrack was the pinnacle of success for the Bee Gee’s. (who’s career sort of dropped off the radar after that.) Anyway, it is to this date one of the best selling soundtracks of all time. The now very dated hit songs were then danceable and memorable as far as the campy lyrics are concerned there were cool too. John Travolta was the marquee name in this very 70’s hit musical. He was the stereotypical macho man, whose hair you didn’t dare touch.

In 1978 Mr. Travolta returned to the silver screen where he again starred in yet another musical; named Grease. Grease was a Broadway play adapted musical that has been recently revamped to the 21^st century Broadway stage. In this adaption he actually courted Olivia Newton John and danced around a funhouse singing (Yes singing) of his love for her. He didn’t sing or dance again until dressing in drag 29 yrs later for a remake of Hairspray another Broadway remake brought to the movie screen then back to the 21^st century Broadway stage.

1978 also saw a popular pop culture icon soar unto the big screen. Superman is best known as the first comic book superhero. He was a brainchild of two teenagers with the same initials. Jerry Siegel and Joe Suster wrote a comic book that hit the newsstands in June of ’38 (my grandparents were married a month before.) It earned John Williams yet another Oscar nomination (one of 45 to date) It was nominated for it’s sound too. Although it is true however that Christopher Reeve was in Gray Lady Down a few months before with Superman Co-star Ned Beatty. Superman: The Movie was really his big screen debut. Richard Donner made his movie directorial debut as well.

Episodes of such TV shows as Gilligan’s Island, Perry Mason, Get Smart and The Twilight Zone. He gradated up to the big screen for this exclusive purpose. (maybe he knew John Williams from his Gilligan’s Island days. When he was referred to as Johnny Williams) the movie was a success in my birth month of December and I was even compared to the little boy in one scene.

Whether it is a highlight or low light to the James Bond franchise is debatable. Nevertheless Roger Moore donned the tux of British super spy James Bond in 1973. With another hit song Paul McCartney’s Live and Let Die was the titular theme song. Moore’s acting career as James Bond (as well as his acting career in general) lasted till ’85 when he turned in his gun after a View t o Kill. (P.S. that also has a great theme song by Duran Duran)

I also want to get back to the mid 70’s, James Bond, and 1977 for that matter. The Spy Who Loved Me is argued by many (including myself) to be the best Moore outing as 007. This movie had a great theme song as well. Nobody Does it Better by Carley Simon has often been used in James Bond tributes as a movie montage song to show clips from all 21 (soon to be 22) James Bond films. Adam Sandler recently adapted this song to his own career. Singing it just a few weeks ago at the MTV Music Awards where there was a tribute to his career.

The big screen was not the only venue to see popular music in the 70’s. Mike Post legendary Grammy winning composer known for his many hit TV theme song throughout the 80’s and into the 90’s. He wrote one of his first theme songs in the 70’s one of the original buddy cop drama’s named C.Hi.P.’s. C.Hi.P’s was popular in 1977 (it’s debut year) and it lasted 6 seasons until 1983. Am I the only one wishing I could go back to 1977 and watch TV and see movies. I was around mind you I was just 3 until Christmas Eve.

PBS made TV history as well in the 70’s. The Electric Company taught many kids to read with a pulsating, reverberating dare I say electric theme song. A two in one TV show I actually remember the Spiderman comic book spoofs or should I say homage. Another exciting theme song I still sing today. While it’s true the show only made new episodes from ’71 to 77. 1977 again?! (Am I the only one noticing a repetaitve theme here?) It ran in reruns to ’85. It will return next year by the way.

Let’s talk about music and music alone. As I’ve been writing this article I’ve been listening to my two favorite childhood musical pop artists. Billy Joel and Elton John. They both released greatest hit albums in the early 70’s. (1970 for John and 1973 for Joel.) They both have been friends for some time even coming together for four “face to face” tours. (scuttlebutt has in there may be a fifth in the works) Both have hit careers lasting over three decades. They both sing and write their own songs as well as let the fingers dance across the ebony and ivory keyboards of their perspective piano’s.

If I forgot some thing please tell me this article was written in the wee early morning hours on a Saturday morning. Using only my memory as a source and Google as a reference device. (As I do with all my reviews.) Well the sun is out now I guess I’ll go walk the Radnor Trial and see if I can burn some more calories and lose a little more weight. (38 lbs and counting)

By Matthew

90% memory

10% Google

My First Critique

To: Matthew

From: Judy

Re: Movie Reviews

I read a movie review not because I care whether a reviewer likes or doesn’t like it, but because I want to get a sense of whether I will like it. That said, your review of “Dan in Real Life” was useless to me. It wasn’t really a review—it was a rant. You hated it—I got that. But I got no sense of whether I would enjoy it. As it happened, I loved it. It was a warm and touching story of a man who lost his beloved wife, misses her terribly, and is struggling to raise his three daughters. I can empathize with that. I thought it moved at just the right pace. I had time to get to know and care about the characters and be touched by the ending. I thought it was terrific, and if I’d listened to you, I wouldn’t have seen it.

Before I talk about “Sweeney Todd”, I have to say that I agree that when you’re writing, thinking about sentence structure, spelling, punctuation, and all that “English” stuff is a hindrance. But it’s imperative that you think about it and fix things before you print and put your stuff out there for people to read. Reading it aloud and listening to yourself can help you recognize phrases that are poorly-written or don’t make sense. Just a thought.

“Sweeney Todd”: The woman’s name is Helena Bonham Carter, and of course you figured out who she was right away because she was the other star of the movie. You said you weren’t familiar with Bonham Carter’s work, but you really enjoyed her. If you fancy yourself a reviewer, then you should GET familiar with her work.

When you say that the barber kills as a matter of habit, it makes you think that you didn’t get the whole movie. He killed for revenge against the very real wrongs committed against him, and the song that he sings while walking through London after getting off the ship makes very clear his frame of mind. It’s a black comedy, but ultimately also a tragedy because in his quest for revenge he kills his wife.

In the case of “Sweeney”, I didn’t need a review to want to see it. Say “Johnny Depp” and I’m there. The same is true of Steve Carell—they’re my two favorite actors.

If you want to be a movie reviewer, then I suggest that you start reading movie reviews. Search the web—read all the reviews that you can find. Learn to distinguish the good reviewers from the bad. A reviewer who blatantly shows his biases is a bad reviewer. A reviewer who gives you a chance to make up your mind by telling you what he thought was good about a movie and exactly what he didn’t like without resorting to “I hated it! It was boring! These people must really need money!” is a better reviewer. I liked Ebert and Roeper—between them they told me all I needed to know.

By the way, real life isn’t boring. My life right now could be seen as being very boring. I can’t get anywhere of do much of anything because I can’t walk too far. But there’s always something new to see or read or think. When I was a kid, I was never, ever allowed to say that I was bored, and consequently, I never am.

Star Wars Vs Star Trek

In my humble opinion Star Wars is the better adventure. I liked Star Wars for the special Effects and superior story line. Harrison Ford’s career has surpassed both William Shatner’s and Leonard Nimoy’s.

I was not a fan of the Star Trek TV show, but I was intrigued by Star Trek movies numbered 2, 4 and 6 (interesting that those were the even numbers) I did not I serious Star Trek Fan until TNG (Star Trek: The Next Generation.) I was a fan of each and every episode. I went as far as taping every episode on (now it seems) ancient VHS tapes.

Interesting footnote though. Since Star Wars creator George Lucas created ILM (Industrial Light and Magic) a special effects studio to bring to life the Star Wars films. All the Star Trek films were created there too. I think that proves my point of whom is the top banana .

Star Wars Facts

Star Wars Facts.

Some little Known facts about a Galaxy far far away...

I wrote this for my then five soon to be six year old cousin Drew. When we went together to the Star Wars exhibit in Philaldelphia. It was in town at the Franklin Institute.

1. Star Wars was released on May 25th. 1977

2. Industrial Light and Magic (ILM) was created in Southern California to make only Star Wars and later moved to San Francisco to create The Empire Strikes Back. They won an Oscar for every film it made in Their first ten years. Including all 3 star wars films. The only movies that didn’t win an Oscar in that time period were other nominated films (made by ILM) they did win Oscars.

3. John Williams won one of his five Oscars for Star Wars. He has been nominated for 45 films. That feat is second only to Walt Disney and Alfred Newman. (He has the most of any man alive)

4. AFI (American Film Institute) declared Star Wars as the “Great American movie scores of all time”

5. Star Wars was out in theaters for over one year (an unheard of accomplishment at that or any time.)

6. As of 2008 the Star wars film have grossed 4.3 Billion making it the 3rd largest film series ever.

7. Lucas was rejected by both UA and Universal Studios for his first Star Wars film.

8. Star Wars was supposed to be just one movie. It later spawned two hit sequels and than 3 smash prequels.

9. Return of the Jedi was originally called Revenge of the Jedi and later revised because Jedi’s don’t believe in revenge.

10. Star Wars was filmed in part in the Sahara Desert, (North Africa) London England, and Southern California.

11. Darth Vader was loosely based on Richard Nixon.

12 Harrison ford owes 8 of his most successful movies to George Lucas.

My First Play Review

The (Ap) parent Trap

I’ve written 756 movie reviews in the past. This will be my first play review. If you remember my fellow readers. I have been I have been accepted at Eastern University. Therefore I am attempting to indulge in all their recourses, including the school play. I saw it on Friday February 4^th at 11:30 am.

The plot of the play is fairly simple. Father Time and Mother Nature have given birth to a two-headed child. The progeny is of both sexes and something must be done about it. So they split it, the offspring in two, one side male one side female. They are as different as night and day (literally). They are separated at birth and the parents divorced and three nerdy students must bring them together even though it means the end of civilization.

Ok I know what your thinking. This guy must be nuts. That is the plot however in a nutshell and you would have to be nuts to have missed this play. It was full of energy and vigor, it was fun and fantastic and it even had a 7^th inning stretch. (Sort of) The actors all sung their notes well and spoke their lines clearly. The orchestra performed beautifully and the plot was easy to follow. Did I forget to tell you it was a musical? Sorry my bad.

It would also be my bad if I gave this play anything less then my highest grade. I was entertained for two hours and I sit still the entire time. That is not easy for someone diagnosed with ADHD. The spot light award goes to the Janitor for interacting with the kids before the play and signing autographs afterwards. He also gave the best performance and even ran the ‘7th inning stretch’.

The whole play was enjoyable however and I liked it from beginning to end. If you missed this play then you missed out on a true gem. While it may not have glowed green or red it certainly left me humming the non blues as I walked out of the auditorium and into the cold.

Grade A+

My 1st Book Review

The Soloist

By Steve Lopez

This book was fantastic, a real page-turner. The characters were well drawn out and the intelligent to boot. The friendship formed in the pages was caring and heartwarming. I could almost hear my heartstrings being plucked. I am still short a few strings in that department as well.

The dialogue was excellent. I felt is I was sitting in Skip Row myself talking to Nathanial Ayers. My dream job is to be published so picturing myself a columnist is not so far fetched. I had a dream about it once. (Hi Blair)

The chapters were the perfect length just long enough to keep you interested till the end and just captivating to get you to read just one more. Well “just one mare made several mornings burn away in my little rat hole out side of Whole Foods.

270 pages was the right length for this unique story of male bonding without all the testosterone and pissing contests. I felt as if I had a roommate companion and amigo all in one when I read this fine book. I immediately recommend this book to the biggest bookworm o\I know my ultra cool Aunt In Minnesota. (Hi Aunt Lou.)

Grade A

P.S. Look for the movie review soon it comes to a red box near me tomorrow.

Matthew's MEGA Movies

Pageviews past week